Free to be You and Me

Yesterday morning as I was driving Mateo to my mother-in-law's house (she watches him during the day while I'm at work), my CD player switched slots and suddenly the car was filled with the sounds of the 1970's...  Free to be You and Me was a staple in my house growing up, and to this day, I can sing every single word of every single song Marlo Thomas and pals like Rosey Grier drove into my impressionable, young brain.  (It's alright to cry, anyone??)  When I found out I was pregnant, my mom bought me a CD version of the album, and I love that Mateo is going to get to hear the same songs that I did as a child; songs that affirm that we are free to be ourselves, and that gender roles do not have to be determinative of our interests and passions.

In an interesting twist of fate, after having taken a trip down nostalgia lane, yesterday afternoon I stumbled upon Erica Jong's essay, "Mother Madness," from Saturday's Wall Street Journal.  (To read the article you can click here.  In a nutshell, Jong is a feminist writer who gained infamy in the 1970's and 80's for writing and speaking out on what can roughly be called women's lib issues.)  I first read Jong's article while at work and taking a short break out of an otherwise crazy-busy day to pump - something I've been doing since returning to work in late May so that I can continue to breastfeed Mateo.  Once I finished reading the article, (and pumping), I couldn't post the article to my Facebook page fast enough.  Jong hasn't stopped being a provacateur, and as I imagined, many of my friends have a lot to say about Jong's thesis.

Just in case you didn't take the time to read the article yet, Jong makes a lot of points, but overall seems to be saying that motherhood has been fetishized, and the theory/practice of attachment parenting in particular, is oppressing women.  I can't resist sharing this particular quote:  "Attachment parenting, especially when combined with environmental correctness, has encouraged female victimization. Women feel not only that they must be ever-present for their children but also that they must breast-feed, make their own baby food and eschew disposable diapers. It's a prison for mothers, and it represents as much of a backlash against women's freedom as the right-to-life movement."

There are a number of other points that Jong makes along the way, and the first three (ish) times I read the essay, I was tempted to create my own response, point for point.  (And believe you me, the academic in me is crying out to talk about privilege, the personal as political and about 18 other critical idenity lenses.)  There's a lot that she says I agree with and a lot I disagree with.  Yes, it's a crying shame that the media perpetuates the celebu-mom, who lost all her baby weight immediately and does it all, seemingly without help from anyone else. And yes, for a single mother who is the sole breadwinner, physically being with your child 24 hours a day is not realistic.  But no, I do not think that raising children, even in a recession, means that mothers do not have the time to "question and change the world."  And I definitely don't think that my choice to breastfeed, make my own baby food and pop Mateo into an Ergo once in awhile is diminishing my political awareness.

The more I've thought about what Jongs says though, the more I've realized that underneath the point-by-point analysis I've been chomping at the bit to perform runs the current of judgment.  Ultimately, I think the reason that Jong's essay hit such a nerve with me, and with so many women, is because being a mother means exposure to being judged in a way you never quite experience pre-kids.  It's pretty obvious that Jong herself is still grappling with feeling judged as a mother, and I know that it's something I struggle with.  And why is this?  I think it's because we love our children so much, and pour so much of ourselves into bringing them into this world and then keeping them here that we can't help but feel like we should be doing this and shouldn't be doing that.  Whatever this and that are. 

To come full circle, I do agree with Jong that we should all be free to be the mother we are- but I hope that in doing so, we avoid the trap of intolerance that she falls into, and instead practice compassion towards ourselves and others.  That's what I'm going to do, just as soon as I finish pureeing some yams.