Year in Review

Holy cow, what a year it has been!  I’m not sure that there’s anything more life changing than having your first child, so that alone has made 2010 a year for the record books.  Nevertheless, there were a number of other aspects of the past 365 days that have made it memorable.  Because I love making lists, here’s one, in no particular order, of some of the things/moments/people in 2010 that made a significant impact on my life.

Book:  The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Recommended to me by my friend Stephanie, who has impeccable literary taste, this book had me hooked by the end of page one.  It’s got all the aspects of a great story: mystery, fascinating characters, stories about books, twisty staircases and the bonus of being set in Barcelona.  It’s not a 2010 new release, but it was the perfect page-turner for me in late spring, when I was still on maternity leave and in desperate need of doing something other than watching HGTV. 

Disease: Cancer

I know it’s a little strange to give a shout out to a disease, but unfortunately cancer has been on my mind a lot this past year.  In addition to my aunt’s continued fight against lymphoma, I know three women in their thirties who have had very intense cancer diagnoses and treatments this year.  Young and old alike are susceptible to cancer, but it’s still shocking when it affects people your age.  Each in their own unique way, all four of these women are being courageous in their affirmation of life, and I admire that beyond belief. 

Professional Accomplishment:  Jessica Stein’s Equal Justice Works Award

Isn’t it fantastic when you see someone deserving get accolades for their work?  In July, I had the honor of nominating one of my students, Jessica Stein, for the Equal Justice Works Exemplary Student Service Award, and guess what- she won!  Jess is the student coordinator for the Hartford Homeless Experience Legal Protection Project, which brings law students and attorneys into shelters to provide limited legal representation to homeless individuals.  In October, Jess was presented with the award in DC at a very fancy dinner, and was kind enough to mention me in her acceptance speech.  That moment, for me, was a powerful reminder of why supporting public interest work in the law school setting can be as gratifying as practicing law. 

Personal Physical Accomplishment: Giving Birth

Okay, get ready, now PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!  And push I did, for two hours and 6 minutes, to be exact.  Best cardio workout, ever.

Witnessed Physical Accomplishment: Geno’s Marathon

I cannot fathom walking, let alone running, 26.2 miles.  In October, Geno ran the Hartford ING Marathon (along with our friend, Terry Brino-Dean), which was impressive all around.  Even though I was just on the sidelines, I kind of feel like this was my accomplishment too, because as any partner of a marathoner can tell you, training impacts the whole family.  Geno finished with a smile on his face, due in part to having so many of our family and friends there to cheer him on, and also possibly because there was a free beer waiting for him at the finish line. 

Legislation that passed: The Health Care Bill

Related to my preoccupation with cancer, I’m really glad the health care bill finally passed.  No, it’s not a perfect law, (what is?), but it is so important that people with pre-existing conditions will be able to get health insurance.  Imagine, just imagine, being diagnosed with cancer months after being laid off from your job (for no fault of your own), just as your COBRA benefits expire.  And then miraculously you get a new job, but oops, that pesky cancer diagnosis means your new employer sponsored healthcare plan won't cover you.  It happens; it happened.  Health care coverage for all is moral, just and a basic human right. 

Legislation that should have passed: The DREAM Act

For better or for worse, as parents we make decisions that have huge impacts on our children’s lives.  And in the case of many undocumented youth living in our country, entering into the US was a decision that their parents made for them.  What I don’t understand, can’t comprehend, is why some in our government would want to prevent these young adults from pursuing college educations and citizenship.  Don’t we want better educated, patriotic citizens?  I do.

Krazy Family: The Kardashians

I can’t tell you exactly why I like Kim, Kourtney and Khloé so much, but I do.  They are insane, but I feel compelled to keep up with them.

Scripted Television: Glee & The Vampire Diaries

It’s really a toss up for me between these two shows on which one I like better.  On one hand, there’s a swing choir and cheerleaders (my high school experience in a nutshell), and on the other hand, there are vampires and witches (my divinity school experience in a nutshell… just kidding).

Caretakers: Mary Lake and Doris Ayala

Let’s hear it for the madres!  Both of these amazing, giving and loving women made a huge difference in our lives this year.  In the process of giving birth I had some pretty serious nerve compression (supra pushing for over two hours), which resulted in me coming home in a wheelchair, graduating to a walker, and then to a cane.  It was a few months before I was walking confidently on my own, and I could not have done it without my mom.  The first few weeks at home with a newborn are hard enough on their own, let alone not being able to walk or carry your baby.  With her typical display of kindness, my mom helped us with everything from washing my hair to keeping us fed.  I know I’ll never be able to say thank you enough.  And for Doris, well she has been a beacon of love shining into Mateo's life.  By taking care of him during the day while Geno and I are at work, she has not only given us immeasurable peace of mind, but given Mateo more than I could ever enumerate here.  Again, I will never be able to say thank you enough.  (P.S. Our dads rock too.)

Technology: Kindle & Skype

Our overly generous friend, Fahd, “lent” me his Kindle after I expressed frustration with handling books at the same time as a newborn.  Fahd, you saved me from a House Hunters / Baby Story / E! True Hollywood Story induced madness.  I’d also like to give a shout out to the inventors of Skype, who have made it possible for Mateo to regularly see his Kansas-living grandparents. 

Concert: Shakira

Fine, I only went to one concert this year, but Shakira was amazing.  I have loved her since the mid-90's, (way before her um, interesting, crossover efforts,) so it was kind of a dream come true to see her in concert.  Making it extra special was getting to see her with my pal, Constance, who went through herculean efforts to be there. 

Family: Geno & Mateo

Geno's the only husband I've got and the only one I want.  Literally could not do it without you, my love.  (Dude, can you believe we have a kid?!)  And for you Mateito, how can we love you so much?  You are the gift from God that keeps on giving.

It really has been a fantastic year, replete with roller coaster moments, but one for which I am infinitely grateful.  I hope the same for you as well!

PS- You know that Kia Soul commercial with the rapping, dancing hamsters?  I LOVE that too.

Weight Weight... Don't Tell Me!

Before I got pregnant with Mateo, I didn't eat sugar for approximately 5 years.  Yes, people, five YEARS.  It wasn't really a question of will power, but more of a decision based on being hypoglycemic and sugar basically making me feel horrible.  It's amazing how unappealing even dark chocolate ganache triple decker death cake can be when it gives you a headache and makes you feel like you're going to pass out.

Somewhere along the second trimester of pregnancy, however, all I could think about was cake.  At first I resisted because I figured it would have the same effect on me as before, but then on my birthday I caved.  After having brunch with friends, we went to Whole Foods, bought an entire dark chocolate ganache triple decker death cake, and there, in the store, I ate something like half of it.  I think it completely freaked Geno out because prior to that day, he hadn't ever seen me eat even one single M&M, let alone half a cake.  Let me tell you though, that cake was good.  And miraculously, it didn't make me feel like death.  I was cured!  Let's celebrate with a chocolate gelato milkshake!

So as you can guess, after not having eaten cake, cookies, candy, maple syrup or even normal peanut butter for five whole years, I fully embraced my newfound sugar freedom.  Thankfully, for my health and for Mateo's, I was able to stay within my doctor's weight guidelines for my pregnancy- but there was a week where I actually gained 7 pounds thanks to a chocolate gelato "milkshake" (aka, 10 scoops of gelato and a spritz of milk.)  I figured that after giving birth my hypoglycemia would kick back in, so I embraced the sweet life while I still could.  But wouldn't you know it - breastfeeding has kept the sugar train a-rollin'!  I'm not downing milkshakes or entire cakes anymore, but as my co-workers can attest, I will not say no to your cookie offering or trick-or-treat pumpkin candy dish.

I'm definitely enjoying getting to partake in dessert and birthday cakes, and all the millions of different ways we celebrate life with sugar-infused goods.  (It's nice not to be the pariah post-dinner who doesn't order dessert, winning the glares of people who mistakenly think you're on a diet.)  However, I know that in the coming year I'll stop breastfeeding at some point, which will probably mean a return to hypoglycemia, and definitely mean less passive calorie burning.  So, I'm toying with the idea of going back to my sugar-shunning ways come January 1st.  This time, however, it will actually be a test of will power, at least initially.  I figure January is the perfect time though, and I'm sucker for New Year's resolutions. 

Notice, however, that I said January.  And please do notice, that it is still December.  Protect your gingerbread houses, I've got ten days left!

Diminishing Returns

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus... As children, apparently my sister and I were so obsessed with opening gifts that our dad decided to start holding a Christmas morning church service.  At the very least, he reasonsed, it would serve as a nice mid-morning reminder of the reason for the season.  (This meant that we went to approximately 3 church services in 16 hours.  Reason for the season, indeed.)  No matter that it would just be our immediate family and no more than 3 other people sitting in the inevitably cold sanctuary, Christmas morning church was a tradition that continued until just a few years ago. Keeping perspective on Christmas is hard, especially when you're kid, and especially when you're given so much.  Although let me not put this all on kids; it's hard as an adult too.  I can definitely still get into the "more, more, more" mode, especially when it comes to shiny things, boots and/or pocketbooks.  (My personal version of "Squirrel" from the movie, Up!)  I have to work at reminding myself that I have waaaaaaaaay more than enough shiny things, boots and pocketbooks -and that the initial adrenaline rush of opening a gift fades quickly.  (Cf. That third glass of wine.)  So in order to find and keep some perspective on the gift-giving aspect of Christmas, here's what we're doing this year.  First, we bought a goat through Heifer International in honor of our nephews and niece, which will go to a family desperately in need of feta cheese.  (Nephew Bennet asked, "Does this mean I get to feed a goat whenever I want?"  Too cute.)  Second, we aren't going to buy anything new for Mateo, but instead plan on wrapping up a number of toys already in his room so that he can enjoy the unwrapping process.  He will, and already has, received some really great gifts from family and friends (thank you all!), so we know he won't be deprived of Christmas loot.  Obviously strategy one is something we can continue doing, and I look forward to someday being able to afford a water buffalo, (to keep with the cheese theme.)  Strategy two, however, has a limited shelf-life.  We know that Mateo will get bit by the gift-bug eventually, and we hope that we will find a way to manage his expectations while still reveling in the fun of getting gifts.  I'm not sure what that particular strategy will look like exactly, but I would say, lookout Mateo- Grandpa has a church service with your name on it!

I Second That Emotion

When I was 5 years old, I remember sitting in my Sunday School class in a teeny tiny chair, listening to our teacher tell us that if we wanted to be like Jesus, (which we did,) we shouldn't ever get angry.  She went on to say that Jesus was perfect, and that meant that he was never ever angry, never ever mean and always said please and thank you.  And once again, if we wanted to be like Jesus, (which we did,) we shouldn't ever get angry or be mean and always be polite.

It's amazing the power that a random Sunday School teacher can wield over an impressionable young mind.  Somehow, those admonitions got branded into my psyche, and despite subsequently learning stories about a very angry Jesus (Take that moneychangers! Matthew 21:12), I began to feel guilty about getting angry.  The kid, teenager and young adult Nicole definitely got angry, believe me, or just ask my sister... but nonetheless, I always had the sense that I was letting Jesus down by having feelings of anger at all.  Let the repression begin!

I mention this not because of my ongoing struggle with religion, but because of an article I just recently read entitled, "Build an Emotionally Safe Home," by Natalie Christensen.  (Unfortunately I can't link you to the article because it's in the current subscription of the magazing, Mothering, and they password protect current articles.)  Basically Ms. Christensen wants parents to help their kids "acknowledge that all feelings are acceptable."  Even anger. 

I totally agree.  Now, please tell me how.

Obviously dealing with feelings of anger is an important personal and interpersonal learning curve, and one that I want to help Mateo with along the way.  (My dad actually had the nice trick of inviting my sister and me down onto the floor to throw a temper tantrum or offering us a pillow to scream into.)  It's going to be challenging, though.  As an adult, I'm still trying to figure out how to express feelings of anger, and it might be something that I work on the rest of my life.  (Outrage is a different story.  There, I'm a professional expresser, if you will.) 

So we'll see who Mateo is and who he becomes.  He might not have the slightest hesitation in letting the world know he is pissed off.  (There is an extreme chance that this will be case.  If you've met Mateo, you know the kid has lungs.)  I kind of hope that's the case.  Of course, that will bring a whole different set of challenges to parenting him.  Either way though, Mateo is definitely going to learn the story of Jesus and the moneychangers, and what the heck, I may even tell him that Jesus always said please and thank you.

Back to School, Back to School

The past few weeks Geno and I have been scouting out daycare/"school" options for Mateo to start in September.  I knew it would be expensive, but I had no idea that even our cheapest option would cost the same as college.  (Funny that you pay the same amount for an educational experience that helps form brain connections as one that generally tends to destroy them, but I digress...)

We have been ridiculously lucky to have Geno's mother take care of Mateo this year, and I have always been appreciative, but never more so than after our first visit to a daycare.  It was middle-of-the-road in terms of expense, but had me in tears by the time we reached the parking lot.  For many reasons, including seeing a baby left alone in a swing in a corner, it was clearly not the place for us. 

Thankfully, however, we finally did find a place that we can envision Mateo spending his days.  It has beautiful natural light, a teacher who speaks only in Spanish and a teacher who speaks only in English, and a relatively diverse group of kiddos.  Oh, and a pricetag that is double what I paid in tuition per year in undergrad, but yet remains the average price of our world of options, so it will have to work.

Going through this process, I just can't help but wonder how people afford to have more than one kid in daycare.  I know that many families make the choice to have one parent stay home, but for many of us, that's just not an option at this point in our lives.  (Damn you, Sallie Mae!)  Obviously employers can help by subsidizing childcare costs and allowing for pre-tax savings accounts, but even then, the price is still staggering when you think of paying for more than one kid.  (In our neck of the woods, that would mean approximately $20 - 25,000 per year.) 

Geno and I were brainstorming ideas on how we could ever afford something like that, and besides winning the lottery and Publisher's Clearing House, our other options seem equally unlikely.  Things we've hypothetically said no to include: me practicing corporate law; Mateo becoming a child moviestar and/or model and/or dancer (triple threat, you know); moving into a tent and Geno becoming a moviestar and/or model and/or professional beatboxer. 

Although the beatboxing thing could maybe work... I leave you with the sounds of our daycare funding scheme.  (I can't get enough of this video.)

Turkey Stuffed with Chocolate Cake

My birthday always falls at least within a week of Thanksgiving, and once every 7 or so years, the two days coincide.  (Other birthday facts include it being the date JFK was shot, and on a happier note, a shared day of celebration with my dear friend, Beth.)  When I was a kid, my mother always threatened/promised to stuff the turkey with chocolate cake instead of traditional stuffing.  Sweet and savory go together, no? This year my birthday is a few days removed from the day of thanks, but the older I get, the more I find the two celebrations to feel the same; a time to reflect on all the blessings in my life. 

It could go without saying - but shouldn't -that I am beyond grateful for my husband, son and dogs, my parents and sister, my in-laws, sisters and brothers in-law, nephews and niece, and friends both near and far.  They are the chocolate cake to my turkey, and always make my life sweeter.

And because a picture usually is worth 1,000 words, I offer this reflection on the year:

November:

December:

January:

February:

March:

April:

May:

June:

July:

August:

September:

October:

November:

Now on to 34!

All Things Bright and Beautiful

I have an understatement I'd like to share with you: organized religion is complicated.  On this bright and beautiful Sunday morning, I've been thinking a lot about the fact that we don't go to church anymore.  It's a particularly striking fact when I give you some personal statistics that belong to Mateo:

• His paternal great-grandmother was an ordained American Baptist minister
• Both of his grandfathers are ordained United Church of Christ (UCC) ministers
• His mother went to divinity school
• His father went to seminary
• His parents actually met and fell in love through being involved in the UCC

As you can see, we've got a lot of ties to organized religion up in here.  Geno and I both literally grew up in the church (that's what happens when you have ministers for fathers), and have both been crazy active in both the local and national church.  But now?  Um, not so much.  And why is that?  Mostly because we haven't found a church home that fits us theologically and is within driving distance.  (At one point we were actually contemplating driving to Boston every Sunday for church, and did make some fun cameo appearances at Hope Church.  Ultimately, however, that was not a sustainable, nor gas-money friendly, plan.  We also briefly had a great run at First Congregational in Montclair, New Jersey, but that too ended when we moved back to Connecticut.)

It's frustrating to be the cliche, young(ish) adult who leaves the church, but then comes back when the kids show up -which is exactly who we're on the way to becoming.  We really want Mateo to have a church home the way that we did growing up, but we also feel pretty strongly that we need to find the right place.  I know that even without an organized group of people to worship with, we can still teach him about God, compassion, social justice and songs involving animals going in by twosies-twosies...  But do we want to?  One of the reasons I've always loved church is because of the community of people who worship, grow, laugh, fight and make-up together.  I want Mateo to a part of that, and honestly, I want Geno and myself to be a part of that again, too.  But no matter how much we want it, the theology and commitments of the place have to be the right fit. 

And so I wonder: Are we being too picky?  Why can't we be Unitarians?  (We've tried that unsuccessfully a few times.)  Would it be possible to start our own church?  (You know, in all our free time.)  Can Terry Yasuko Ogawa please get ordained soon and start a church for us?

I know that for us, there's no easy solution to this issue, and it may take quite some time before we transition again from the church of the Sunday New York Times to an actual Sunday morning church service.  So until that day, I'm making sure that Mateo gets his weekly dose of hymns, because I do want him to know that all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things bright and beautiful, the Lord God made them all.

Free to be You and Me

Yesterday morning as I was driving Mateo to my mother-in-law's house (she watches him during the day while I'm at work), my CD player switched slots and suddenly the car was filled with the sounds of the 1970's...  Free to be You and Me was a staple in my house growing up, and to this day, I can sing every single word of every single song Marlo Thomas and pals like Rosey Grier drove into my impressionable, young brain.  (It's alright to cry, anyone??)  When I found out I was pregnant, my mom bought me a CD version of the album, and I love that Mateo is going to get to hear the same songs that I did as a child; songs that affirm that we are free to be ourselves, and that gender roles do not have to be determinative of our interests and passions.

In an interesting twist of fate, after having taken a trip down nostalgia lane, yesterday afternoon I stumbled upon Erica Jong's essay, "Mother Madness," from Saturday's Wall Street Journal.  (To read the article you can click here.  In a nutshell, Jong is a feminist writer who gained infamy in the 1970's and 80's for writing and speaking out on what can roughly be called women's lib issues.)  I first read Jong's article while at work and taking a short break out of an otherwise crazy-busy day to pump - something I've been doing since returning to work in late May so that I can continue to breastfeed Mateo.  Once I finished reading the article, (and pumping), I couldn't post the article to my Facebook page fast enough.  Jong hasn't stopped being a provacateur, and as I imagined, many of my friends have a lot to say about Jong's thesis.

Just in case you didn't take the time to read the article yet, Jong makes a lot of points, but overall seems to be saying that motherhood has been fetishized, and the theory/practice of attachment parenting in particular, is oppressing women.  I can't resist sharing this particular quote:  "Attachment parenting, especially when combined with environmental correctness, has encouraged female victimization. Women feel not only that they must be ever-present for their children but also that they must breast-feed, make their own baby food and eschew disposable diapers. It's a prison for mothers, and it represents as much of a backlash against women's freedom as the right-to-life movement."

There are a number of other points that Jong makes along the way, and the first three (ish) times I read the essay, I was tempted to create my own response, point for point.  (And believe you me, the academic in me is crying out to talk about privilege, the personal as political and about 18 other critical idenity lenses.)  There's a lot that she says I agree with and a lot I disagree with.  Yes, it's a crying shame that the media perpetuates the celebu-mom, who lost all her baby weight immediately and does it all, seemingly without help from anyone else. And yes, for a single mother who is the sole breadwinner, physically being with your child 24 hours a day is not realistic.  But no, I do not think that raising children, even in a recession, means that mothers do not have the time to "question and change the world."  And I definitely don't think that my choice to breastfeed, make my own baby food and pop Mateo into an Ergo once in awhile is diminishing my political awareness.

The more I've thought about what Jongs says though, the more I've realized that underneath the point-by-point analysis I've been chomping at the bit to perform runs the current of judgment.  Ultimately, I think the reason that Jong's essay hit such a nerve with me, and with so many women, is because being a mother means exposure to being judged in a way you never quite experience pre-kids.  It's pretty obvious that Jong herself is still grappling with feeling judged as a mother, and I know that it's something I struggle with.  And why is this?  I think it's because we love our children so much, and pour so much of ourselves into bringing them into this world and then keeping them here that we can't help but feel like we should be doing this and shouldn't be doing that.  Whatever this and that are. 

To come full circle, I do agree with Jong that we should all be free to be the mother we are- but I hope that in doing so, we avoid the trap of intolerance that she falls into, and instead practice compassion towards ourselves and others.  That's what I'm going to do, just as soon as I finish pureeing some yams.

Is there a Juris Doctor in the house?

I have always admired working moms, including my own, but I never understood how tough it is until becoming one myself.  I still have yet to return to complete full-time work, but my four day work week clock is ticking.  Working and motherhood is perhaps THE topic for modern motherhood, so I don't know that I have anything profound to add to the conversation, except to say that I think everyone should work only four days a week, not just moms.  The four day work week is actually an emerging work-law issue, and for those of you who want to learn more about the pros and cons, the Connecticut Law Review did a symposium on it last year (http://connecticutlawreview.org/symposium10_09.html).  (Fittingly, I was not at the law school that day because I took the day off so as to have only worked four days that week.)  For me, working four days a week provides a great balance between getting to stretch my work-related mental muscles and also getting to spend a little bit more time with Mateo.  It just feels so civilized. 

Papaya

It's a whole new world of food for me since my 8 month old starting eating solids about two months ago.  Even though I'm not a big fan of vegetables, I'm determined to offer as many of them to Mateo as possible.  I'm also interested in giving him a taste of as many different types of fruits as I can find at my local Whole Foods Market.  (Fruits do not pose a personal challenge to me in the same way vegetables do, thankfully.)  Although I like just about every fruit out there, (excepting the "fruit" tomatos,) I hadn't ever bought a whole papaya before this week.  Am I the only out there who thinks that papaya seeds look like fish eggs?  When I sliced that sucker open I thought I had stumbled onto a free pot of caviar.  In other words: eww.  Seeds aside, Mateo took to papaya right away, particularly when added to his morning oatmeal. 

In addition to wanting to expand his tastebud horizons, I also hope to cultivate his social political consciousness.  (I know that sounds like a bit much, but it really is a function of being my parents' child; the very people who explained the Iran Contra scandal to 10 year old me using placemats and salt & pepper shakers to represent countries and arms).  So anyway, were Mateo able to understand me, this morning he would have learned that papayas are thought to have been originally cultivated in Mexico, particularly in Chiapas.  Which obviously brought me to an explanation of the Zapatistas' struggle for independence and a discussion of federalism.  Delicious and nutritious!